North Carolina Bans Gender-Neutral Zelda

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A controversial new law went into effect today in the state of North Carolina which bans gender-neutral hacked versions of The Legend of Zelda, one of the greatest classic video game series of all time.

House Bill Official 2, also known as HBO2, makes it illegal for anybody in the state of North Carolina to play a gender-neutral hacked Zelda game. Anybody caught doing so may face up to 50 years in a prison of the gender matching their birth certificate.

In The Legend of Zelda, players take on the role of Link, a silent avatar who represents the player on an epic journey to become a hero. In a press release issued today, Governor Pat “Bubba” McCrory laid out the reasons he signed the bill that flew like a Cucco through the Republican-led North Carolina Senate:

Now we all know dang well that only men can be heroes and that Link is a boy, just like Jesus. How do we know that? It says it right there in the dang game. Read your game! And those games are written in stone, just like the Ten Commandments, and the Constitution of these here United States, and Ted Nugent’s 1977 seminal yet critically misunderstood album, Cat Scratch Fever. Why mess with God-given perfection?

There just ain’t no way Link ain’t a boy. He wears a tunic, boots, earrings and bracelets, he has no facial hair, he loves his horse and he plays the most lovely melodies on an ocarina. If that don’t make him a man, then my name ain’t Pat. And you gotta admit, Pat is definitely a manly man’s name. It would take a room full of dumb-as-rocks writers to come up with a comedy sketch that questions the gender of somebody with a name like Pat. But I digress…

Any girl (or “funny boy”) who wants to play a popular classic video game with a female lead protagonist can go play Metroid. Or Tomb Raider. Or any of the 8 games of the Top 100 best games of all time that feature girls in the playable lead. I mean, come on, 8 out of 100 is more than plenty. That’s like 7 too many if you ask me, amiright fellas?

We must put an end to this slippery slope before folks start trying to de-mustache Mario and replace Ms. Pac-Man’s stripper shoes with sensible flats.

North Carolina attorney general Roy Cooper said that he wouldn’t enforce or defend the law because gender-neutral Zelda games harm no one.

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